My Brother Matthew

My little brother Matthew died three weeks ago, July 10^th 2017….and when I say “little,” I mean, he was 45….just a little over two years younger than me….too young to die.

His death was not unexpected, he had heroically and courageously been battling cancer for two years and the last few months we knew that time was getting short.  About a week before his passing we had one of those conversations where he let me know that he was very much aware that Death had been skulking around his door.  I wasn’t at all prepared for how quickly he would snatch my brother away or for the profound and potentially life-altering moments Matthew and I would have just prior to his death.  

I’ve certainly experienced death prior to losing my brother, and I know that often in the wake of losing a loved one we are suddenly and understandably reminded of our own mortality.  Grief has a way of inviting all sorts of crazy thoughts to bubble up to the surface; it often bitch-slaps us across the face and leaves us feeling like we should suddenly create all sorts of monumental changes in our lives.   

Death and all its blinding finality sort of brings on a need to make big promises to ourselves and others.  We re-connect with people at funerals and promise to “stay in touch.” We go home and vow to not take our lives for granted, to not take our loved ones for granted…. We decide it’s time to be more fully present in our lives and to intentionally appreciate the time WE are fortunate enough to still have.  It all sounds very promising and very positive for a while but then time goes by and before you know it the inevitable happens; LIFE GOES ON and we, being the delicious creatures of habit that we are, fall right back into our usual habits. 

Well in my case, not this time, not me, not possible.  I know that I have been profoundly touched because of an experience I had with my brother just a few days before he died. It left such a beautiful mark on my heart and yet, I am struggling because real life often falls short and I fear that it might never again be as pure and honest as it was that evening. 

The Friday night before my brother died, I was staying with him and his family in the city.  His wife had run to the store to pick up a late-night prescription for him and my nieces were sleeping.  Matthew, in his horribly weakened state had still found a way to walk himself out of their bedroom because he wanted to get out to the balcony.  I put my arms around this once incredibly healthy and physically near-perfect little brother of mine to help him walk a few steps and get a little fresh, night-time air.  We sat down side by side, shared a few private words, exchanged “I love you” and then just stayed there quietly holding hands and crying for a bit.  It was simultaneously heartbreaking and beautiful.

I can’t remember hearing any of the usual sounds of the city around us or feeling like I needed to say something to fill up the silence because I knew that no more words would be necessary.  What had taken place between my brother and I in those few moments transcended language…. He and I, for the first time in our lifetime together as siblings who could never quite get on to the same page, had finally, in this eleventh hour, gotten to a common heart space of absolute peace and unconditional love.  It moved me to my core and I can tell you with zero uncertainty that I will never be the same... 

I consciously called upon every one of my senses to help me to be able to take a mental and emotional snapshot of those minutes so that I could hold on to them forever.  I knew in that short time with my little brother we had each experienced a love both given and received that was stripped bare of anything other than what its most true and purest form was ever intended to feel like.  That brief window of time with him, out there on that balcony will forever be among the most sacred moments of my life and I know in the very depth of my soul that that evening was a game-changer for me…. 

As I laid on their couch unable to sleep that night, even amidst all the sadness I was experiencing, there was a peace in my heart that I had never known could be possible.  It made absolute sense that during a collision of the most honest and polar opposite emotions, somehow my greatest and most beautifully raw life lesson had happened in one of my darkest hours.  

I’m 47 years old and thank God, thanks to my little brother, I finally get it now.  I really do and I am going to fight like hell to share this truth and never let this clarity get buried again…it’s just too damned good..

In the beginning of all existence, in the middle of life and even at the tail end as we take our last breath… all that we leave behind and all that we take with us, all that has ever mattered and all that we truly are is pure, unconditional and beautiful love.   Period.

Anything else that gets into our head and muddies the waters between YOU and LOVE is just a big lie created and perpetuated by ego.  

Ego speaks to fear….it speaks to judgment, it speaks to every inner voice that has ever told you that you are not worthy.  

Ego is the whisper telling you that your true self is not enough, that you fall short, that you are broken.  

Ego is what tells you to shrink your sparkle, to hide your gifts, to doubt your true nature.

Ego is the great divide between you and unconditional, pure love.

Ego is malice and suspicion.

Ego wants you to believe that it exists to protect you.

By its very nature, ego exists to keep you from being too happy….too comfortable…..too satisfied.
Ego does not want you to truly know love because once you do, Ego knows that it will cease to exist.

LOVE, on the other hand, wants the best for you and has the purest of intentions for you.

LOVE knows that all things are possible

LOVE knows that you are enough

LOVE knows that you are already a perfect miracle in motion.

LOVE knows to choose joy

LOVE knows that YOU are the reflection and the embodiment of its truest form 

LOVE knows to say YES

LOVE knows that you are always  and already so very worthy.

LOVE IS THE ANSWER.

LOVE is all that there really is.

Even today as I am so very sad because my brother is not here, my heart is full because for what seemed like an eternity, I got to be in the space of that pure moment of awe-inspiring unconditional love with my brother and if I am very lucky, I will never, ever be the same.

Wishing you love, bliss and blessings…

Heather