Let That Shit Go.

So, after almost two years away from my blog, I’m back. 

 I kept visiting and thinking that maybe I was just done with the whole blog idea….maybe I had outgrown it, but I’ve had some experiences in the last several months that made me realize it was time to start writing again.

So, here’s my first big post of the New Year…

Today  I want to tell you briefly about my life-long relationship with SHAME.  We’re actually in the process of breaking up, but as I’m sure you know, some habits die hard, so while I’m working out the emotional custody issues etc. I thought I might share this with you….

If you are plagued by SHAME like I have been, it’s time to decide to LET THAT SHIT GO.

I’ve spent a lot of my life surrounded by family members who love to tell me all the ways they perceive that I have fallen short in my life or compare me to other family members that they believe have fallen short.   I let them lead me to think that I was damaged….broken and wildly flawed.   It was actually pretty easy to let them convince me that because I wasn’t like them….because I wouldn’t shrink down and smash myself into their boxes, then somehow I must have something really wrong with me.

I spent YEARS and YEARS going to therapists, self-analyzing, over-thinking and trying to fix so many things I was lead to believe were broken about me.  I have dragged shame around like a suitcase full of heavy, wet sand....and I was so tired from all the extra weight. (Figuratively and literally)

Turns out, the path towards healing can sometimes come from the strangest places and an angry email a few months ago from a member of my family was all it would take to cause me to do a little course-correcting and ultimately set me on new journey toward finally being free of my self-sabotaging ways.

 I received the email out of the blue and after getting past the initial shock, I stopped crying and read it until I couldn’t see straight.  I read it to my husband….and re-read it again and again until I almost had it memorized.  I kept reading because I was actually looking beyond the anger of their words for an answer.

Part of the shame I had carried with me over the years was in part because of how this person had treated me and suddenly after reading this email everything was different.   I was faced with the knowledge that there might not be one shred of truth to anything he had wanted me to believe about myself.  He condemned me because of things that he believed to be true and his mind had turned those beliefs into facts. 

 All those years I had truly thought I had done something horrible that I wasn’t aware of….some big terrible thing that I needed to apologize for, but it turns out, there wasn’t any ONE big thing.  In this person’s mind, there were a lot of little things over the years that they had chosen to hold on to....layered into the fact that he just doesn’t like me.  How do I argue or defend myself against someone; even if they're family, who has already made up their mind about me?   I don’t.

I had carried shame for so long…I had adopted SHAME as a crutch I would use for shrinking who I am, for limiting what I believed was possible for myself and for never quite becoming the woman I had really wanted to be.  Honestly, I think it got to a point where I became almost so used to settling and stopping myself before I ever really got out of the gate that I had forgotten what was even possible.

Suddenly, because of this email, I was beginning to understand for the first time in my life that my shame and what I believed about myself was based on a perception and had nothing to do with the truth of who I am.   Of course there are things about me I hope to improve on and I will never quit working to evolve into the very best version of me that I can be.  But I will do it based on what I know to be true about myself, not what I am told is a truth.  This person had told themselves and me an entire story; a myth about who I am that literally has absolutely nothing to do with me. 

This sort of clarity is one of those larger than life truths that has the power to alter everything.  Once you fundamentally grasp the knowledge with your heart, there is no way to un-know it and you can’t help but be changed forever. 

Shame is not real.  It is a story we tell ourselves based on what other people have told us because of what they told themselves….based on what they have been told, what they have experienced….and so on and so on.  Can you see how this is a big, addicting, cyclical mess?  Read it again.  Holy shit.  Think about the domino effect this has had on all of us...

We accept shame as truth and then spread it around like the common cold never thinking that maybe we should instead, be trying to set ourselves free by killing the germs that cause it.  Perception, history and experience have nothing to do with us and yet, they hold the power to affect us in ways we are not conscious of…until one fateful day and one lousy email rips the veil forever.  Then we must decide that it’s time to be done with shame once and for all because to accept anything less would just be ridiculous.

Like I said earlier, I’m doing my best to end my relationship with shame, but old habits really do die hard, so in the meantime, I just wanted you to know that you can choose to break up with shame too.

Many will try to tell you that YOU are the problem….some may unknowingly try to keep shame present in your life because they don’t know any better, but we don't have to accept it.  What once seemed like it was a permanent part of life now has an expiration date on it.  Make no mistake, it’s a choice….and it’s not an easy addiction to overcome, but with the right mirror and a new mantra, we are going to be just fine.

Like the saying goes, “what you think of me is really none of my business.”

Wishing you bliss and abundance,

Heather